Sunday, September 12, 2010

Go to your happy place!


This is my year to travel, decompress, live for me, let my creative mind take over, stop worrying about money and ambition and HEAL.
I'm still healing from a few years of intense work related anxiety, chronic fatigue and the violence that comes with losing multiple pregnancies. I just started this blog entry to describe a more recent trip to Van Horn, TX, but I can't until I set it up with last years.
Last August I suffered my most drawn out, painful and violent miscarriage. It was also my last.
During the pain and procedure, I kept going to a "happy place" in my memory--an escape...that place being my friend Callie's ranch in Van Horn, TX. about an hour from El Paso and a little less from Marfa.
A week or 2 after that terrible experience, I wasn't leaving the house or my husband much. I was feeling very fragile and afraid. There was a terrible filmstrip re playing in my head over and over and I was paralyzed.
I mentioned my visions of Snyder Ranch to Callie and she told me she was going the next weekend and it would be good if I came along. I fought it because I felt so fragile, but Callie and my husband insisted and so I tearfully packed a bag.
This part of Texas has a certain cosmic charm that can really only be experienced. It would take an entire blog to describe the vibe of the people, the mountains, the sky, the culture. You can't help but get swept up and changed there.
Callie has a 76 year old cowboy dad who is quite legendary in those parts and it's an honor to get a few minutes worth of his witness. We usually ride around with him on one of the hunting vehicles and help check his wells on the expansive property while a few of Callie's dogs try to keep up with us and chase jackrabbits.



This particular weekend was the cattle working weekend. Callie's dad was short some cowboys and asked if we could ride.
Without thinking, we agreed. Had I really known what a 5 hour cattle drive entailed, I may have laughed and excused myself.
But we agreed to do it, so Callie's dad saddled us up with some cowboys who couldn't speak english and he put me on his best horse. At first gallup, I found myself reaching so far into my childhood riding memories just to remember how the hell I was to hold on, but I did it. We brought ALL the cattle home over many miles and rocked our spanish. We rode through steep mountain passes for 5 hours with no food or drink or bathroom break. A bull charged us fora mile and we evaded him. Our backs were raked bloody from ducking brambles and thorns.
Hours later when I finally got off that horse, I was seeing stars and weaving. The cowboy wives made us chili dogs for dinner and I ate 3. I am a vegetarian. We drank Tito's and Sweet Tea and listened to Callie's dad and partner tell us wild stories all night and it was one of the greatest days of my life.
That crazy ride was something so wild and impossible to even imagine, accomplishing it with a sister friend who already makes me tougher stays with me now through everything. I knew I was SUPPOSED to be there. I AM supposed to be there. It all makes sense. It's helped me accept the way life turned with a supernatural ease and I have felt 1000 times stronger ever since.


Blogger Nanette said...

i am so not getting on a horse ever but i really can't wait to see that land someday with you girls! so glad you have that place

8:47 PM  
Blogger lush said...

Whenever you're ready, Unicorn. You have an open invitation.

Nothing makes me happier than sharing that rarefied air with those whom I love.

I love you both.

10:04 PM  

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